01. Florida Man launches chair at mailman because he had no mail for him.
Ocala Star Banner: “The mailman told Officer Kyle Drawdy that Smith approached the driver’s side of his truck. The postal carrier said he tried explaining to Smith that the reason he did not receive any mail was because there was none for him. The mailman said Smith got angry and struck him with an open fist at least three times on the right arm. Smith, he said, then walked away from the vehicle, picked up a broken chair or stool and threw it at the mail truck.”
02. Florida Man mistakes senior government officials for foreigners.
Foreign Policy: “Although both Biswal and Kumar were introduced as U.S. officials by the chairman of the Asia and Pacific subcommittee, Clawson repeatedly asked them questions about ‘your country’ and ‘your government,’ in reference to the state of India.
“‘I’m familiar with your country; I love your country,’ the Florida Republican said. Apparently confused by their Indian surnames and skin color, Clawson also asked if ‘their’ government could loosen restrictions on U.S. capital investments in India.”
03. Florida Man sentenced to prison for attempting to start “race war” near Disney World.
Miami New Times: “On a rural compound just 11 miles from Disney World, Marcus Faella and his followers spent years stockpiling weapons and food, erecting barbed wire, and conducting elaborate paramilitary drills. Their goal, according to federal agents: igniting a ‘race war’ in Central Florida.”
Circuit Judge Jon Morgan sentenced him yesterday to six months and gave him credit for 61 days served, meaning he could return home in about four months. His American Front followers yelled, ‘We love you, Mark!’ after hearing the sentence, the Orlando Sentinel reports.”
04. Florida Men surprised to learn mannequin is actually dead body.
Associated Press: “Two men hired to clean out a vacant Tampa Bay-area house thought they found a mannequin hanging in the garage. They cut it down and hauled it to the local dump, where landfill workers realized it was actually a human body.”
05. Florida Man leaves Florida.
LeBron James as told to Sports Illustrated: “Miami, for me, has been almost like college for other kids. These past four years helped raise me into who I am. I became a better player and a better man. I learned from a franchise that had been where I wanted to go. I will always think of Miami as my second home.
“I looked at other teams, but I wasn’t going to leave Miami for anywhere except Cleveland. In Northeast Ohio, nothing is given. Everything is earned. You work for what you have. I’m ready to accept the challenge. I’m coming home.”
06. Florida Man proposes to girlfriend, ties ring to alligator.
Fox 8 Cleveland: “Eric was on his knee, but he didn’t have a ring box. Instead, the ring was tied to a baby alligator, which Samantha took into her hands while nodding yes. ‘I was secretly more excited to hold the baby alligator than the ring!’ Samantha told Fox 8 News. ‘My dream has always been to be an alligator wrestler so an infant alligator was nothing!'”
07. Florida Man removes facial tattoos with welding grinder.
Tampa Bay Times: “Just before the 2012 Labor Day weekend, Eriks bought gauze and hydrogen peroxide, 18 Budweisers and a bottle of Sailor Jerry rum. He’d asked his friend Brian to do it. Brian was, after all, a certified welder. The worst part was when Brian poured rubbing alcohol and hydrogen peroxide on the wound and scrubbed the dead skin with a steel wool pad. Tears trickled down Eriks’ face, but he didn’t scream.”
08. Florida Man claiming to be Teddy Roosevelt’s relative banned from Holiday Inn after threatening to hit manager.
Island Packet: “Over the course of several months, the 40-year-old West Palm Beach man repeatedly tried to eat breakfast at the Holiday Inn on Bluffton Road despite not having a room there.
When employees asked him to leave, he would curse and yell at them, according to the report. The manager tried to intervene May 15, and the man claimed he was the great-grandson of Theodore Roosevelt and owned the hotel and the United States.”
09. Florida Man convinced school tests will turn students gay.
NBC 2: “State Representative Charles Van Zant of northeast Florida claims the company hired to design the test is attempting to turn students gay. ‘They are promoting as hard as they can any youth that is interested in the LGBT agenda,’ Van Zant told an audience in Orlando. ‘They will promote double-mindedness in state education and attract every one of your children to become as homosexual as they possibly can.'”
Lest you concern yourself too much with the future of the state, however, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel:
10. Florida Man announces he’s exploring presidential run.
Time: “Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush announced Tuesday morning he will ‘actively explore’ a run for the White House in 2016, becoming the first Republican out of the starting gate nearly two years before Election Day.
“‘As a result of these conversations and thoughtful consideration of the kind of strong leadership I think America needs, I have decided to actively explore the possibility of running for President of the United States,’ Bush wrote.”